How to Brace Yourself for Macedonia

Macedonia is a beautiful country where Genna and Leigh feel very much at home. However, as in any foreign land, there are some things that one must grow accustomed to coming from a nation such as our own.

1. Invariably, upon arriving at a house, apartment, or party you will be asked if you have had Rakia, or Macedonian moonshine. Even if the answer is, "Yes, and I think it tastes like nail polish remover." The host's homemade version is insistently superior than the last 4 homemade versions you have had to choke down. The host will then pour you a "small" serving of the puissant distillation, but not one for his or herself. When asked why the host will not have a glass as well the reply comes, "No, it is too strong." They will also probably warn you that, as it is the middle of the day, you probably should not go outside in the "50 degree" (roughly 122 ferenheit) heat for a few hours because you might pass out.

And down the hatch it goes. Apparently a fabulous salad accompaniment.

2. Make 1 friend in Macedonia and you immediately have 15, including a nightlife scene, a a swimming companion, a burek-eating buddy, a hairdresser, an archeologist tour guide, and a pilades partner.

3. As per #2 if you need anything in Macedonia (be it brown sugar and oats or a phone, dvd player, laptop or car and chauffuer) you got it - front door delivery from friend #6's cousin's sister who has passed it down the grapevine and hauled it across town right up to your buzzer.

4. This is an important one: They are right. You are wrong. Period.

Examples:

a) Despite the fact that the citizens in Skopje constantly tell you Serbian words when asked for the names of things (ie. ice, never), the city's language in NO WAY has a Serbian influence or uses any Serbian words.

b) Hot feet or other body parts on a cold tile floor WILL kill you - so will swimming in the lake, watching a thunderstorm from a porch, or leaving the door or window open for a summer breeze to pass through --> BEWARE THE PROMIA (this may sound like and be treated as a medieval monster but it is, in fact, just a draft).

c) Despite the 20th annual report of the California Research Advisory Panel (1990) (see http://druglibrary.org/schaffer) and the giant bold SMOKING KILLS advisory on the outside of all packs, 2 packs of cigarettes a day is healthier than smoking 2 joints a day. (P.S. And no, they are not addicted to cigarettes, they just like to smoke them in chains morning til night, but they can stop whenever they want.)

d) The car will not start and the engine will not even attempt to turn over.

Genna and Leigh listen and comment, "It sounds like an electrical problem; we should try to push start the car and throw it into first to get it started."

Silly Americans, they think, we will wait for the taxi driver to come back and help us. Ten minutes later the taxi driver arrives. After several minutes of trying to start the car he explains the process of push starting the car which we then do, successfully.

Genna and Leigh then warn, "Do not stop the car, or park it at the top of a hill if we must, until we have a chance to fix the problem."

Again, silly girls.

Oh what's that Mr. Taxi Driver?

Right, we shouldn't stop the car, or we should park it on a hill if we must.


5. Macedonian club music, whether it be trance, house or American is ALWAYS better than American club music.

6. Despite the fact that scantily clad women abound and are clearly better looking than their male counterparts, you will be treated with respect. If you are coming from a country such as India or Morocco you may find this lack of harassment extremely odd and even unsettling.

7. It is NOT possible to get sick of fresh tomato cucumber salads topped with cheese and it IS possible to eat a kilo of cherries or peaches every day for a week (and for less than 1 euro a day).

8. Yes, their veggies and fruits ARE delicious, but beware, you may get tired of being lectured on how your food tastes like plastic while everything they eat is "biologic" [as said lecturer flicks his cigarette into the mountain stream where you fill your water bottles].


9. The first thing that will happen to you when you walk into someone's house is that you will be offered food. Too full, you don't need to eat? With a perplexed and offended look on their face, they will ask you accusatorily "why not?" And so, sick with food already, you eat more. The second thing that happens...

"All Americans so fat!"

10. The clutches of kindness in which we have been seized are, at times, overwhelming. But without the wonderful Macedonians, who all think that their country is equally rich in culture, history and F@#%ing UNESCO sites (including 365 churches - one for every day of the year) , we would be lost, tired, hungry, dirty and probably sleeping in a car somewhere in Europe. We cannot express how much we love them, and are surprised by how much they seem to love us.